There are times when all the world’s asleep
Supertramp, The Logical Song
The questions run too deep
For such a simple man
RAMP! The Logical Song — Scooter
Beautiful. Magical.
It’s not always easy to know what to write about. The hardest part is getting started. I struggle to think of things I haven’t already said, of ways to spin-off of previous ideas. The problem is knowing where to begin. How much to reveal. There’s so much swimming beneath the waves, an ocean of worlds to explore. Some topics are forbidden. Others are taboo. Is it my goal to start fires and bring down empires? Am I a seeker of self-destruction? Do I want to immolate myself at the sacrificial altar in the name of principle? Do I aim to make enemies and alienate my peers? None of these things describe my intention. It requires a certain technique to be constructive. There’s a certain strength that comes with proactivity over reactivity. It’s important to retain perspective. Some things cannot be taken from you.
Is it about intention? Or is it about consequence? What is the difference?
Contemplations for the Shower
New Sensation — INXS
Whenever it’s Fresh.
I worry a lot about my professional life. I do not, as a rule, talk about work, but there are plenty of things to talk about. My job requires a certain decorum, an unspoken understanding that things are a certain way and will be carried out a certain way and, in fact, must be a certain way. It works that way because it has to. Anything less is substandard and doesn’t make the cut. People get ostracized. People face very real issues. Scandals happen. That’s the nature of beast. It happens everywhere all the time. The goal is to keep my nose clean and carry on the best I can while the world burns down around me. I’d like to put out fires where I can, to help my fellows out of perdition. But it’s all I can do to keep myself from drowning. A disposition such as mine takes effort to maintain. It would be so easy to just be miserable. I feel a great anxiety over the future. I do not recognize the world I live in. There are things I still fail to understand. I can only do my best.
The fear of Jehovah is the beginning of wisdom; And the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.
Proverbs 9:10, American Standard Version
Personal Jesus — Depeche Mode
Reach out and touch faith.
I find the lack of faith in people today disturbing. I think I may have an idealized version of a world in which the common person had a deeper understanding of the mysteries than the people of today do. I’m hard pressed to find someone, anyone, who even knows about the mysteries, let alone understands them. And then I think about reality in its true form and I realize that most people have never had a conscious understanding. Our species has been bumbling around for millennia down to this day, and it took that long to produce what we have to take advantage of. I become aware of the illusion, the delusion, that bubble that we find ourselves in. And I see how it’s divided. One can walk between the worlds until a side is either chosen or assigned. No one can remain neutral forever.
You shouldn’t have to sell your soul.
Shout — Tears for Fears
I’m talking to you. Come on!
There’s a part of me that screams to be heard, that cries for attention. It’s irrational and doesn’t know how to articulate itself to any degree whatsoever. It doesn’t know what it wants. It doesn’t know what it needs. It simply wants to vocalize itself and be heard. It’s angry. It’s hateful. It craves power and control, yet it could do nothing with it. It’s like a disobedient child, or an angry little monster that must be kept in check lest it do absolute damage. It burns like a fire and it turns all it consumes into ash. It must be fed to grow, but nothing good can come from it. I believe it exists in everyone. I believe it controls people. At various moments it has controlled me. But I am not that thing, I am above it. I acknowledge it. I learn from it. I work to tame it. We are more than the sum of our demons.
Every single one of us, the devil inside.
INXS, The Devil Inside
Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss — The Bloodhound Gang
I’ve got somerthing.
What I’m trying to say, if I’m trying to say anything, is that I want the best for everyone, even if it means I don’t get what I want in the short term. There is an endgame in which the proper rewards will be distributed. I aim to be worthy. (I’m not.) I am well aware that there are people who would love to see me fail, who will hate me for no reason I have any control over. It is hard to remain strong in the face of an unseen adversary (ie. uncertainty). Danger exists beyond the edge of Chaos. This is why the balance is so important. Too much restriction and you can never grow. Too little and you’ll rip yourself apart. It makes me think of Goldilocks. There’s a way of conducting yourself that is just right. That is what I’m aiming for.
O Jehovah, I know that the way of man is not in himself: it is not in man that walketh to direct his steps.
Jeremiah 10:23, American Standard Version
Bittersweet Symphony — The Verve
But I’m a million different people from one day to the next.
I don’t want to be alone forever, to die alone, but neither do I want to compromise my integrity or my values to get my indulgence. It feels like there is nobody else like me. The people I turn to do not seem to understand. I think they want to, sometimes. But people are occupied with their own lives and their own problems. I ask difficult questions. I make strong demands. I draw hard lines. The difficulty is mine, I believe, because it’s not evident in others. There’s no doubt in my mind that everyone experiences all these at different points, but it seems to be that each should manifest as a different challenge for each individual to face. I think different people get hung up on different things even so. I would like to be real with people. I wish I could really exercise trust again. (I can’t.)
Count your blessings. Think about gratitude. What do you have to be thankful for?
Your Mission, Should You Choose to Accept It
Thank U — Alanis Morissette
Thank you, Silence.
That’s all for now.
Until next time,
Thank you;